An Unexpected Journey (into Buggery)
by The Plastic Owl
Summary: Delicious. Decadent. Sensual. Hot Love. Just Like The Movie. (Except Now With 100% More Buggery).
1. Taste The Cheese

Chapter One: Taste the Cheese

Bilbo Baggins was serenely blowing smoke rings outside his house, eyes closed, when a smoke ring that smelt like a potent arsehole invaded his nostrils. He coughed, eyes watering, and looked up into the face of Gandalf, who was grinning maniacally at him. Bilbo wished Gandalf a hasty good morning before running back into his house.

Bilbo thought he was safe until he saw Gandalf's eye in the window. He screamed. Gandalf proceeded to lick his window. Bilbo knelt on the floor, feeling violated and humiliated. Gandalf drew a glowing blue dick on the door.

The worst was yet to come.

That night Bilbo sat down to some shit dinner of whole fish and potatoes. Only a poor man would eat that crap. Why was Bilbo eating fish without it being scaled? Gross.

Anyway, Dwalin came to the door. I mean literally CAME, as soon as Bilbo opened the door he was tainted by Dwalin's tough seed. Bilbo screamed again. Bilbo would do a lot of screaming in this tale.

As soon as Dwalin 'came' in, so did the other eleven dwarves. They overpowered Bilbo, ripping off his clothes and licking his body. Ignoring Bilbo's cries, they raided his pantry, stuffing their mouths with his good food. They didn't like the blue cheese though – they stuffed that into the bewildered Bilbo's gob, as he cried tears.

'Pussy,' Kili said serenely, as he crammed in more of the Devil's dairy into Bilbo's confused face-hole. 'Yes, you are the pussy that has been foretold.'

'Put in this DOILY, too,' said Fili. 'I've tainted it with royal gorgonzola gootch tang!'

'NOOOO,' cried Gandalf, who had decided then to swank his old droopy arse through the door. 'We must save him!'

'Awww,' said Ori, the dwarf that had a slingshot that may have been mentally retarded. His dick was as swollen as the cucumber he was waving around.

'Yes, we must save him! … FOR THORIN.'

Gandalf swanked his arse to the side so Thorin could come through. He examined the weeping Bilbo's rump. He pinched it. He poked it. He slapped it with Bofur's hat.

'GOOD!' He declared, looking like the internet meme of Grumpy Cat. He grabbed the butter away from Fatty Dwarf. He applied what was to be known from then on as 'Bitch Stink' to Bilbo's butt-chute.

Bilbo screamed.

'YOU WILL BE OUR BUGGER-ER-LER!' Thorin cried, before ramming his engorged phallus into Bilbo's Tasty Tunnel. 'This is your CONTRACT!'

Bilbo screamed (again). He contracted his rectum. This gave Thorin great pleasure. He began grooving, encouraged by the music the other dwarves were making with the pots and pans.

'Fuck the arse and fuck his face!

Cram in dicks and get in by force!

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Smash his shitter and burn his hole!

Fist his butt and suck on his fat!

Pour your cum on his rectum floor!

Splash your jizz on the pulsating balls!

Pump in the dump your boiling slaw!

Pound him up with your thumping pole!

And when you're finished if he is whole,

Take your love from his aching hole!

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

So carefully, carefully, with the plates!'

To muffle the screams of Bilbo, they stuffed Bilbo's mouth with blue cheese. The old hobbit drinking wine from a jug outside didn't give a shit. He shit his pants. Crows flew to the East. A thrush snacked on a snail. A fucking squirrel didn't care. Thorin came, jiggling his butt like a wild Oliphant.

Bilbo had got the job.

The job was FUCKING.


	2. Love Disease in Moose House

Chapter Two: Love Disease in Moose House

Thorin's merry band of sweaty perverts and their hostage Bilbo had managed to reach Rivendell. Nothing of interest had happened much since they left Bilbo's house – they outwitted some trolls and turned them to stone and then drew dicks on them. They ran into a homeless crack addict who claimed to be a wizard before Gandalf shut his butt down. They released his rabbits and then pushed him out on a sled for Wargs to eat. Now they were in Elrond's big fruity village where elves play instruments that look like chubby dildos.

Bilbo, the bugger-er-ler, who was essentially a chubby dildo for the dwarves, was relaxing in the 'Moose House', so called because there was a statue of Thranduil looking dense, sitting astride a magnificent moose with a junk the size of an Ent. He was trying to get his energy back after days of orgies. The dwarves would use any excuse to cram their stubby cocks into his hootchie-cootchie. It's raining? FUCK 'IM! The ponies are eating apples? FUCK 'IM! A thrush farted? YEAH YEAH GO FUCK 'IM!

"Are you alright, Master Bilbo?" It was Lindor, Elrond's serving dude. He was standing beside the bed Bilbo was lightly napping on. He gave Bilbo a sparkling and refreshing melon juice. Bilbo, unused to such kindness, teared up. One ran down his face. Lindor leaned over and delicately licked it like a kitten. That was the last thing Bilbo remembered before he passed out.

"Wake up!"

Bilbo was shaken awake. He screamed. Drugs must have been dropped into his sparkling and refreshing melon juice. He was surrounded by naked elves wearing primitive hairy gimp masks, their lithe bodies beaded with sweat, the male elves' dicks swaying like river reeds. All the females had shaved pussies which were creamy with mystical lust. Their tiny titties quivered.

There was an elf that Bilbo assumed was Elrond, wearing the mask of a mighty moose, tugging on his rod. He giggled at Bilbo's shocked face, then turned around and mooned him. He then let out a little stinky fart.

"TIE HIM UP!"

Lindor and some of the other elves then ripped off Bilbo's clothes before strapping him into some primitive sex harness. His legs were in the air, little furry feet kicking everywhere, his 'hobbit hole' on prominent display.

The elves then retreated away to watch Gandalf and Galadriel have hot doggy-style sex. Bilbo yelled for help, panicked. But to his dismay, the only people who came to his aid were… the dwarves.

All of them were completely nude. And they had oiled themselves, their hairy torsos slick. Bilbo looked to Thorin, their leader. Surely he could have some rest in the Moose House?

Thorin just shrugged, then gestured to his penis as if to say, 'Behold, my mighty peen. It does what it wishes.'

'WHYYYY?!' Bilbo mewled, helpless.

Ori the retard climbed up onto the bed. He looked at Bilbo pitifully with his little dark eyes.

"When we were caught by the trolls… you said that we were diseased._ I_ have a disease. I have the compulsive need to fuck. I cannot stop fucking! It cannot be held back! It is an illness! I have to release!"

Before Bilbo could protest Ori straddled his face and shoved his ginger root into his mouth. As Ori vigorously face-fucked the hobbit, the other dwarves solemnly coated Bombur's fat fist with Bitch Stink.

"Just like stuffing a chicken," Bombur cooed as he began to slide his fist into Bilbo's anus. "Like stuffing a cheeky little chicken."

The dwarves laughed and clapped.


	3. My Precious Love Boat

Chapter Three – My Precious Love Boat

After some bullshit with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Rock Robots, the dwarves were captured by some goopy-faced dipshit goblin and Bilbo had fallen down a shaft into the cave of Gollum.

Of course he didn't know at first that it was Gollum's cave - but Gollum soon made himself known.

"Love, exciting and new, PRECIOUS,

Come aboard, we're expecting you…

Loooove, life's sweetest reward,

(GOLLUM! GOLLUM!)

Let it flow, it floats back to you,

My Precious Love Boat soon will be making another run,

My Precious Love Boat promises something for_ everyone…_

Set a course for adventure,

Your mind on a new romaaaaance,

Love won't hurt anymoooore,

It's an open smile on a friendly shore, precious…

Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

My Precious Love Boat soon will be making another run,

The Love Boat promises something for_ everyone…_

Set a course for adventure, precious!

Your mind on a new romance!

Love won't hurt anymore…

It's an open smile on a friendly shore…

It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's

LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

It's the Love Boat… MY PRECIOUS LOVE BOOOOOOAAAT!"

Gollum paddled towards Bilbo, singing his creepy song. Bilbo backed away and fell over. He put his hand out and found a ring. He decided to keep it, as after this journey he would need to pay for many hours of therapy, and he could pawn the trinket to pay for it.

Gollum growled at Bilbo, and Bilbo suddenly felt like he had to do a big poo. Gollum put his hands near his scrawny haunches, did a big woofing fart, cupped it, then threw it in Bilbo's face.

"Take a bite out of that precious cheeseburger!"

Bilbo gagged.

"Now, let's play a riddle game, precious!"

They then proceeded to play their crappy riddle game. Gollum was stumped on the last riddle, "What have I got in my pocket?" Eventually he tired of this bullshit.

"YOUR FAT MAMAAAAA!" He screamed, jumping at Bilbo. Bilbo shrieked and then took off.

Gollum chased Bilbo through the mountain. Bilbo was just about to escape through a small hole in the side of the mountain when Gollum dive-tackled him. He fell to the ground, winded. He squeezed out small tears.

But then he looked up. It was the dwarves! And Gandalf! Bilbo squeaked out his despair. Nobody noticed except for Gandalf.

Gandalf just laughed, licked his lips, gave him a thumb's up, and then ran out with the others.

"I need to finger the precious," Gollum hissed, tugging at Bilbo's trousers.

"Fine, have your ring," Bilbo sniffed, handing it over. Gollum looked at the ring, perplexed. Then he threw it back at Bilbo.

"We don'ts wants THAT ring, precioussss! We have been by ourselves a long time… We wants love… Exciting and NEW… Come aboard… We're expecting yooooou…"

Gollum pulled down Bilbo's underoos, then gazed in wonder at his buttocks. He nipped one of the cheeks, making Bilbo go EEP.

"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"We won'ts eats you, and we will let you go… But first… We want to finger the precious…"

Bilbo, realising what Gollum REALLY wanted, sobbed quietly… but spread his cheeks obediently. Gollum gleefully stuck his withered finger up Bilbo's 'Bag End'. After swirling, poking, rubbing and tickling his rectum, Gollum pulled out. His finger was slightly moist after its cavernous adventure, and so he wiped it on the metallic ring. He then tossed the ring to Bilbo dismissively and told him that the ring turned him invisible. He could have escaped if he'd just bothered to put it on.


	4. Peak Penetration

Chapter Four: Peak Penetration

Bilbo's woes were not over. After being rescued from some macho bullshit involving an albino gimp Orc and Thorin losing his shit over some old-school beef, Bilbo was in the talons of a giant eagle, being flown away to some fucking place. Probably a fucking place where there's gonna be more fucking.

The talons of the eagle ripped away his clothes until he was wearing naught but a loin cloth. The big bird then dumped him on some godforsaken rock. It then flipped over Bilbo like he was a nothing more than a juicy meat pattie. The eagle poked his butt with his talon. It let out an appreciative squawk.

Bilbo simply lay there, the sun shining upon him. He thought about his days back in the Shire, when he would eat tea and crumpets, and engage in some light mutual masturbation with Hamfast Gamgee. THAT was living.

With great effort, he pushed himself up into a kneeling position. He opened his arms to the heavens.

"IS THIS NOW MY FATE?" He yelled at the clouds. "I AM TO BE NAUGHT MORE THAN A LOVE TOY FOR A BAND OF DEMENTED DWARVES?"

"Come now old fellow, you know that's not true."

It was Gandalf. He was standing behind Bilbo, with the dwarves. They all looked at Bilbo with a mixture of curiosity and bemusement.

"Sure there has been incidences of … _molestation _on this journey, but you are, Bilbo, first and foremost, our friend." Thorin came forward, and embraced Bilbo. Bilbo stiffened at first, then slowly relaxed.

Thorin released him, and Bilbo looked to Gandalf for confirmation. Gandalf nodded sagely. Bilbo smiled weakly. Shakily, he began walking towards the sunset.

"You know, I truly feel that the worst is behind us."

"Maybe it is," Gandalf whispered in his ear, before jabbing his staff into Bilbo's arsehole.

"NOOOO! IT WAS ALL JUST A CUNNING AND EFFECTIVE RUSE!"

"That it was, my dear boy." Gandalf smiled and puffed on his pipe as the dwarves held down Bilbo and lubed him up with Bitch Stink. "Now, you just close your eyes, and try not to clench."

Bilbo weeped as Gandalf slid his staff back and forth, his bowel canal heating up as the hard wood thrust into him repeatedly.

Finally it was over. Gandalf held up the staff to his long nose and breathed in a deep sniff.

"SPICY!"

This declaration excited the dwarves. They fell upon Bilbo, licking and kissing and nibbling. Balin clamped his mouth onto Bilbo's breast and refused to budge.

"Why?" Bilbo whispered at the cheery Gandalf.

"Because this is the REAL contract!" Gandalf revealed it with a flourish. "It says here that instead of being a burglar, you are simply buggery meat. You are naught but a sex toy for grotty warriors. We, myself and the company, are not responsible for any fisting, scissoring, sodomising, fingering, stroking, licking, and general buggery that may occur."

"Buggery is also known as hot love, or making a ham sandwich," Bofur chipped in helpfully, before going back to sucking on Bilbo's toes.

"Sign the contract – LICK IT."

Bilbo complied, the other dwarves hooting and whistling.

"What now?" Bilbo asked miserably.

The dwarves spoke to each other in their own language, before Thorin clapped his hands twice. A decision had been made.

"This is a time of great celebration," Fili said solemnly, his twin Kili nodding beside him. "You have accepted your fate. There is only one more obstacle to overcome. That obstacle is… THE BOMBUR BOMB."

"The Bombur Bomb," the others repeated. The dwarf in question was slowly stripping, unleashing his prodigious fat.

Bilbo looked at Bombur. Bombur looked at Bilbo. Bombur licked his lips. Bilbo screamed.

Pinned down, helpless, Bilbo felt crushed as Bombur heaved his gargantuan girth onto him. He could feel Bombur's hot salami pass between his legs, and then penetrate his loosened chute.

As he began to pass out, he dreamed he was back in the Shire. Back in the cool, green Shire. He was eating cake, and sipping tea. His gardener Hamfast was there, gently tickling his balls with a feather. Beautiful. Beautiful…

Bilbo woke up some time later, groggy and disorientated. He felt the ground beneath him, and was dismayed to realise that he was still on the peak.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch, BITCH!" The dwarves chanted, huddled around a fire, eating beans and sausage. Gandalf looked Bilbo dead in the eye and then shoved a whole sausage into his mouth.

"RAWK!"

Bilbo felt hot liquid splash onto his back. He screamed when he realised that is was jizz. It was the eagle, laughing along with everyone else, immense dong flapping in the breeze.

"I didn't even think birds had dicks," Bilbo whimpered.

"These ones do. They're my friends!" Gandalf said with a jolly smile. He picked up another sausage, and ate it greedily.

To be continued…


End file.
